Relationship Pitfalls

It doesn't matter how many years you are married or how long you are in a relationship, many people become vulnerable to "fairy tale" thinking. You assume that if your partner really loved you they can also read your mind and satisfy your needs. This absurd conclusion sets you up for relationship disasters and numerous misunderstandings. Let's look at some areas of contention:

1. If something means a lot to you, like gifts on Valentine's Day, your anniversary, birthday, etc., mention it to your partner in advance. Let them know how important it is to you. In that way, you won't set yourself up for disappointment when you assume he/she should have remembered. If your partner feels no nostalgia about celebrating these events, at least they know how much it means to you.

In his book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, John Gray states that if men and women don't understand each other's needs, it is very difficult to know how to fulfill them. The easiest solution is to discuss what you need from your partner and do this in a clear, concise way, leaving nothing to assumptions or guessing.

2. Nobody is perfect and if you expect perfection, you'll be disappointed. Avoid magnifying your partner's faults so that you deny yourself all the positive, attractive aspects of the relationship you noticed in the first place.

3. The relationship you have with your partner is special. Your partner is there to grow with you and to share in your life. However, if you expect too much from someone or put too high an expectation on some else's role, you are setting yourself up for failure. In other words, don't expect someone to make you or keep you happy. That responsibility is yours alone. So, don't rely on a fantasy to fulfill what you desire.

4. When you see happy couples, one of the things that stands out is that they have fun together. In your relationship, do you laugh together or is the laughter at another person's expense?

5. For those of you in long-term relationships with much shared history, please don't assume that long history means a life-long commitment. The reality is that relationships wear out and unless you work at maintaining a strong, loving, caring union, you may be in for a big surprise. Isn't this why so many baby boomers are getting mid-life divorces?

A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link. Be sure yours is not based on false expectations, invalid assumptions, laziness and complacency. Therefore, to avoid relationship pitfalls that challenge any relationship, determine what you need to do by being aware of the weaknesses. Then deal with your issues in a successful manner.

About the author: Amy Sherman, LMHC is the author of Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer's Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life.

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