Taking a Bite Out Of The Sandwich Generation - Caring for Elderly Parents and Children

The challenges of caring for aging parents can be taxing for the in-between generation.

IT IS one of the most difficult problems any of us will ever face. Mom and Dad are getting on in years, and they aren't quite as sharp as they once were. Mom broke her hip last year and has a hard time with the stairs. Dad probably shouldn't be driving anymore. Or maybe Dad has passed away and Mom has started to let her once-immaculate house go a bit. You would love to help out more, but you live 2,000 miles away and you've got about all you can handle taking care of your own kids.

Situations like this are becoming increasingly common. In fact, there is even a name for people being squeezed between the demands of their children and the responsibility they feel to assist their aging parents--the Sandwich Generation.

For as long as there have been families, people have had to find ways to care for aging relatives. In days gone by, multi-generational families often lived in the same town, and sometimes even in the same house. Everyone could pitch in to help their grandparents. It was almost expected that, after a long life, they would be taken care of by their children and grandchildren.

Things are different now. In today's mobile society, it is rarer than it used to be for children to remain in the town where they grew up. The extended family living under one roof has all but died out, replaced by arrangements in which members may be scattered all across the country, with only long-distance phone calls, letters, and the occasional visit to tie them together.

Not only are families more dispersed than they once were, couples are waiting longer to have children. When it was more typical for people to have kids in their early to mid 20s, their own parents were in their 50s and 60s-ages when most are still able to be self-sufficient. Now, many couples are waiting until their 30s or early 40s to have children. That means that when this generation's children are teenagers, their grandparents may be well into their 70s or 80s--an age when they need more help themselves.

Aging parents are less likely to ask for help these days, fearful of becoming a burden to their children. Any expectation of support from one's offspring has been replaced by a fierce independence among today's seniors. They see how hard their children must work to support their own families, and they feel they should be able to look after themselves. Sometimes, though, they need assistance. What can a "sandwiched" child do?

Although they may be miles away, it is possible to help aging parents by keeping in touch and building a network of support. The following seven tips are some of the ways adult children can provide assistance for their aging parents without having to sacrifice their own lives.

Keep in regular contact. Write or call your parents at least once a week at a regularly scheduled time. Letters needn't be lengthy; enclose newspaper clippings, cartoons, and/or photos with shorter notes. Consider buying a speaker phone if there is more than one person in either household. If your parents have experienced a hearing loss, make sure they own a high-quality amplified phone to improve communication. Depending on your budget and their interests, consider buying them a cell phone, fax machine, or computer with e-mail capabilities.

Assign family roles. If you have siblings, share responsibility for helping your parents by assigning responsibilities for legal, financial, medical, and other issues. You don't have to be a lawyer, accountant, or doctor to help with basics.

Help them stay socially connected. Arrange for a friend, neighbor, or family member to visit your parents as often as possible, but at least once a week. If you have trouble finding someone dependable, contact a community church or seniors' advocacy group for recommendations.

Provide entertainment opportunities. Subscribe to your parents' hometown newspaper and alert them to upcoming events. If money is a concern, buy tickets and transportation as birthday gifts for movies, concerts, exhibits, and sporting and cultural events. Investigate university- or college-sponsored elder-hostel programs and senior travel packages.

Help them manage routine tasks. Arrange for regular grocery and meal deliveries from local restaurants or seniors' meal programs. Contract with a dependable professional service for lawn care and snow removal. Hire a handyman on a retainer basis for routine maintenance. Offer to pay for a regularly scheduled cleaning service.

Conduct safety inventories. When you visit, take an inventory of your parents' home. Make note of what needs fixing or replacing and what could pose a threat to their health or safety (frayed electrical cords, slippery floors, loose handrails, throw rugs, etc.). Arrange for maintenance to be done before you leave. Research resources: Most communities offer programs through senior citizen centers, churches, and shopping and entertainment outlets. Contact these organizations for more information about local opportunities for seniors.

It is important to remember that, when you are trying to help your aging parents from a distance, you don't have to do it alone. There are many resources available, including: Senior centers. Not to be confused with nursing homes or retirement facilities, these are places where seniors can go during the day to socialize, exercise, and have a good time.

Many offer extensive programs of activities, including guest speakers, dances and parties, organized book/discussion groups, and outings to museums, shows, sporting events, etc.

Dependent care counseling: Some employee health benefit plans come with telephone access to counselors who can assist you with issues involving caring for your aging parents. These counselors can often provide referrals to experts who can help you with needs as diverse as finding an accountant to do their taxes to helping you locate information on diet and exercise for seniors.

Some services can be a big help in performing the costly and time-consuming legwork associated with finding care for your parents. Ask your employer or health plan if your benefits include such a service.

Warning signs

One of the hardest parts of trying to assist your aging parents from a distance is monitoring their health. Since many parents don't want to complain, their children may never know that a health problem is developing. It is not uncommon for parents not even to tell their children if they are hospitalized.

While senior health conditions can be subtle and hard to detect, there are several warning signs. Any of the following could signal the start of a situation that needs attention:

* Changes in daily routines. Are they getting up later in the morning, taking more naps, and/or going to bed early? Are they skipping meals or forgoing other routines like reading, writing letters, or taking walks?

* Changes in hygiene habits. Do they seem indifferent to their appearance? Are they skipping showers, wearing the same clothes several days in a row, and/or letting basic housekeeping chores go undone?

* Sudden weight loss or gain. Have they gained or lost weight without significant changes in their exercise patterns?

* Unexplained mood swings. Do everyday problems cause emotional outbursts or dramatic changes in mood and outlook?

* Bouts of forgetfulness. Watch for patterns of forgetfulness that go beyond occasionally misplacing items. Do they seem disoriented or confused in familiar environments?

* Expressions of hopelessness and depression. Watch and listen for expressions of guilt or suicide, as well as changes in appetite, concentration, and interest in normal activities and special events.

* Displays of fearfulness and anxiety. Do they put off making doctor's appointments, leaving their house, paying bills, and/or meeting new people?

Besides monitoring behavioral changes carefully, make sure your parents understand you are on their side. If you notice any changes in your parents' behavior, talk to them about it and offer your support by asking if you can go to the doctor with them the next time you are in town. Health problems are most frightening when people feel they are facing them alone. Above all, take anything your parents say about their health very seriously. Generally, seniors are reluctant to talk about a health problem until it becomes noticeable or persistent, and even then they may only hint at the issue.

Sometimes, the health concerns brought on by aging necessitate more formalized, regular care, such as in-home custodial care or moving to a nursing home. It is often difficult for adult children to come to terms with the fact that their parents may need this kind of care, especially when their mother or father vigorously protests the idea. There are, however, a few things you can do to make such a transition easier:

Involve your parents in choosing their care. A large part of the anxiety seniors feel when they are placed in the care of others comes from relinquishing control and autonomy over their own lives. To help alleviate this fear, make sure that Mom or Dad has as large a role as possible in interviewing candidates for in-home nursing or visiting prospective retirement communities and nursing homes. This will help them retain their dignity and sense of independence.

Choose a nursing home carefully. All facilities are not alike. Try to find one with as low a ratio of residents to staff as possible. Be sure that it offers plenty of activities and programs to keep residents engaged and vital. Check out the buildings and grounds to see if they are clean, safe, and in good repair. Ask for references so you can talk to current residents and their families. Above all, meet and talk with as many of the staff as possible and have your parent(s) do the same. If you and your mother or father both get a good feeling about the place and the impression that it is staffed by caring, experienced professionals, chances are it will be a good fit.

Investigate long-term care insurance. Nursing homes and in-home nurses aren't cheap. Visits by in-home nurses run about $20 per hour, and nursing homes average around $35,000 per year. Medicare doesn't always provide enough to cover these expenses, so it may be a good idea to look into long-term care insurance. Such policies are designed to cover care associated with aging, and some allow the policyholder to use the benefits either for themselves or their parents.

As members of the baby boom generation approach their golden years, seniors' issues may dominate the national agenda like never before. How will the sandwich generation of today manage their own care? Will they expect their children to take care of them or will they somehow manage to retain their independence?

Advances in medical science have lengthened life, but in many cases a longer life doesn't mean one free from health concerns and the need for ever-higher levels of care. Indeed, it could be argued that medical advances have exacerbated the problem of looking after the growing ranks of older seniors in this country. Meanwhile, the responsibilities facing the sandwich generation today continue to be a challenge. While caring for aging parents is difficult, there are ways to make it easier--on your parents and yourself.

About the author: Tom Anderson is vice president, of strategies and planning, government programs, United-Healthcare, Minneapolis, Minn.

Copyright 1999 Society for the Advancement of Education Copyright 2000 Gale Group

Article source: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1272/is_2654_128/ai_57564071/

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