If You Knew Better, You Would Do Better

If you and your partner's expectations are different, you can be setting yourself up for much frustration. For those of you who are single, you may want to make your intentions clear from the start. Are you looking for marriage or is it just companionship that you seek? This can be the deal breaker in a relationship that appears to be going well. Even in your long term relationship, what are your expectations for the future? Do you want to travel, go back to school, pursue a new career or just retire peacefully on some island? Unless you make your desires known, you may find yourself disappointed that your dreams are not the same as your partners. Never assume anything, especially that what you want is the same as what someone else wants.

If you rely on others to make you happy, you can be setting yourself up for disappointment. This is so simple, yet so profound. Don't wait for someone to change before you'll be happy or you'll be waiting a long time. Instead, create your own happiness. As an independent, free thinking individual, you probably have things you do that make you very happy, like playing an instrument, scrap booking, bicycle riding, walking in the park, etc. Continue doing what you love and enjoy. Hopefully, your relationship will be an enhancement that supports your interests and dreams, so you can be all you can be.

If your communication skills are poor, you can be setting yourself up for many misunderstandings and disagreements. Do you speak, but don't listen? Take time to "hear" what your partner is saying, by paying attention to content, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions. Most people just want to be heard and understood, but because we all have our own agendas, we sometimes don't pay enough attention to the words of others. It will make a world of a difference to your relationship if you and your partner become attentive, good listeners, really available to each other.

If you aren't aware of the impact you have on others, you will live your life clueless. Rather, take responsibility for the energy you bring into a room. What this means is that your energy affects everyone else, so if you want to feel connected, supported, loved and accepted, be sure that the energy of your behavior is sending that same message. You can't complain about things not going well in your relationship if you are partly responsible for creating a negative atmosphere.

Oprah has always said that if you knew better you would do better. Don't sabotage yourself by repeating relationship mistakes over and over again. With insight and a willingness to change, you can do better because it's the right thing to do.

Amy Sherman, LMHC is the author of Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer's Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life and 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 and Yes, 60!

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